Climate change super villains

By Mike Gold
Posted 1/1/15

When it comes to climate change, the problems of 7 billion little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, to paraphrase Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.

To think about the climate change situation these days, it might be helpful to think about the usual dire plot from comic books.

In the comic books, Earth’s existence is threatened on a monthly basis. The planet is menaced by super villains no human being can possibly stop. Only the Avengers or the Justice League of America can defeat them.

So, let’s see -— in the case of climate change, the super villains are all lined up. The Exxon Giant, Dark Shell and Tar Sands Man have joined up with the two-headed Koch Kraken and Mega Mouth Murdoch, plus the Republican Robot Confederacy (who blindly follow the money) to form the Sinister Six (apologies to Marvel Comics for using the Sinister Six name they came up with).

They’ve arrived on Earth from the Planet Oil Slick to remake Earth into a model of hydrocarbon hell, where carbon gases spew out at an ever increasing pace, destroying our organic food sources. They will then enslave us to work in their industries and produce food made out of plastic, which we will all be forced to eat, or perish.

The Sinister Six threatens to dominate our planet and imprison us on a world with a superheated atmosphere, dried-up rivers and dying, acidified oceans, all of this to burn oil.

The Exxon Giant is drying out the western United States with a hair dryer the size of an Oklahoma pipeline. The Koch Kraken and Tar Sands Man suck dirty oil out of the ground in Canada and are using it to power their giant industrial monster engines, while polluting the atmosphere with more and more carbon dioxide. Dark Shell plans to invade the melting Arctic with its fleet of life-sucking oil drilling platforms, manned by Republican Robots trained by Mega Mouth Murdoch, who keep chanting in a monomaniacal monotone, “Climate change is a hoax. Climate change is a hoax.”

The situation has never been more perilous for us.  What super heroes can we call to save our climate?